Sometimes

I feel like I don't know myself. Like nobody knows the real me. Would anyone even like the real me? I think things like this because I'm alone a lot. My boyfriend finds other things to do, and I don't have that many friends. Well, I may have some friends but I'm nervous to be friends with anyone. I can't trust anybody. I used to have trust with everyone I knew. I let everyone into my life completely, leaving nothing out. I was too open. I told my friends about my Mother and her problems, Steven and our problems, and everything in-between. I put my trust into so many people, I'm surprised I wasn't let down sooner. Or maybe I was, I just open my eyes to it until recently. The old me didn't realize that all those "friends" didn't give a shit about me, or even what really matters in life. I thank my son everyday for what he's done for me. It doesn't matter that I am lonely right now, because I'll have him for the rest of my life. He has given me so much, without even being born yet. He has given me knowledge, wisdom, appreciation, and so much more. Thank you Ryan. I love you.

home

 I wrote this for my english class and figured I'd share it on here.


  What home is to me now, and what it should be are two different things. I do love being home, its a place I can be completely myself but it’s not an ideal situation for me. Home is where I spend all of my time. Home is where I’ll raise my son for a year after he’s born. For most people, home is a place they can relax, be happy, be surrounded by loved ones, feel at peace. For me, I am almost always stressed out and feel like I’m in the middle of chaos. I like my house most of the times. I think I just don’t feel like my house is “my home” because when my mother isn’t in the right place, it isn’t home. She causes a lot of stress with everyone in the house. She causes almost all of my anger.I don’t think my house is a good place to live with my son because of her. I want my home to be a place I can relax, without my mother, and stress free. My house right now is my home, but not completely the way I want it to be.

What is home to you?

what do you do

in a situation like this? My Mother has been in and out of the house lying to my Grandmother and me about everything. Yesterday, she woke up at 7pm after my Grandmother put her to bed at 7 am. She had to miss school, (she goes to college) once again because she was too high. And hours later she disappeared. I usually call her Lisa because I don't like to refer to her as my mother when shes like this. Lisa didn't call until 1 am. I was asleep but my grandmother answered the phone and it was my mother telling her she was at the hospital with pneumonia. My mother is so suave about lying she even had my grandmother talk to a "nurse" and the "nurse" told my grandma about her broken toes.... I thought she had pneumonia?

So Once I woke up and found out I figured me and Steven could go drive all the way to Attleborro, 45 minutes away, to go see her. I texted her, [hey even though im mad at you me and steven will come see you today or tomorrow]  Just an hour later her car pulled up to the house. At this point I could already feel the lies that were going to come out of her mouth. Lisa limped in like she was oh-so hurt and I just stared at her the whole time. She said she talked to her primary doctor and he wanted her at Mass General. She didn't have discharge papers from Attleborro, and she drove 45 minutes herself when she was oh so sick... Things weren't adding up at all.

Everyone knows a drug addict. Everyone has a relative or someone close in a similar predicament. But no one knows a person like my mother. You may think I'm sad as I write this but I'm more on the angry side. Angry at my life. Angry at her. Sometimes I feel like I'm angry at God for putting me in this. But I guess everything happens for a reason. Maybe something good will happen next.

the little things

Until you're pregnant or have a child, you usually don't notice the little things in life. Well I sure as hell noticed that I AM IN THE SECOND TRIMESTER! If you haven't yet been pregnant you probably don't realize how wonderful it is. In the first trimester i was sick every single day, all day. I' m starting to feel better all ready and its wonderful. I may even start to exercise, which my family would be very surprised to see. Now my stomach will start to grow (and the baby of course!), I'll be able to start shopping when I find out the gender next month, and this beautiful weather we've been getting in Massachusetts is making me a lot happier. I'm feeling HAPPY for the first time in a long time :-)  We'll just have to find out what's next.

Today I had an ultrasound (introduction to me)

I woke up around 10:30 which seems to be my usual routine as of lately. Mornings are probably the worst because of the morning sickness, but thank god it has subsided a little since I am almost in my second trimester. When I opened my eyes I saw my mother, Lisa, and all I could hear was her annoying voice talking to herself and the dog. My Mom isn't the typical mother at all. She's not like everybody else's mom that shows off pictures of her only daughter, takes pictures for school dances, yells at her child when she does something bad, or even be at all disappointed that her daughter is pregnant at sixteen. My mother has been battling with bipolar disorder and drug abuse for more than my life time. In fact, she met my father at a rehab program.... a great place to make a baby right? But I do love my family very much as dysfunctional as we are. I'm definitely a Daddy's Girl though.

Once I got out of bed I walked into the computer room where my grandmother was in her usual seat playing Spider solitaire. Gram has always been my rock, even though I think she's as crazy as my mother.. I've been living with her pretty much my whole life, along with my mom too. Eventually I have to leave for the appointment so I call my boyfriend of almost two years, Steven. One thing everyone has always said to me is, "marry someone the complete opposite as you so you have someone to support you." We aren't married yet but I guess I fell in love with my mirror reflection. As hard as my life has been, Stevens has been just as difficult if not worse.

Once we got to the Bio care unit I waited with my bladder FULL more than an hour until I got the ultrasound. People may look at me and feel bad, to be sixteen and pregnant, but every time I see my beautiful baby I don't care even more what everyone says. So what if I'm going to be a young mother? Even if I wasn't pregnant right now, I doubt I would've waited that long to have a baby. Maybe because of my miscarriage a year ago is why I'm so excited? I think the miscarriage in a way has made me more determined to have this baby along with a great successful life. Right now I am sitting here eating American cheese waiting for whats going to happen next.